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There have been zero flagship devices, despite the persistent rumors of a super Surface phone. Logic dictates that Microsoft needs to get in the game here. People are increasingly moving away from their laptops and onto their smartphones, and if Microsoft wants to keep up with Apple and Google, it will need a convincing phone platform. The company apparently has something in the works. According to Windows Central, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella confirmed as much on the Marketplace podcast Make Me Smart earlier this week.“I’m sure we’ll make more phones,” Nadella told host Molly Wood, “but they will not look like phones that are there today.”Let’s step back for a moment. Windows 1. 0 on a phone today has two things going for it. First, the interface is gorgeous—sleek and minimalist, without any of the cutesy affectations that i. OS and Android have collected over the years. 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Microsoft was accustomed to making the best- selling OS, and its failure to find its way into the lucrative mobile market left Microsoft scrambling. First there was the massive Windows 8 redesign that spanned mobile and desktop devices. Then Cortana came in 8. Windows phones a digital assistant to rival Siri. In 2. 01. 5, Microsoft introduced Continuum, which let phone users plug their devices into a monitor and keyboard and get a Windows experience similar to the one enjoyed by desktop users. But as cool as Microsoft’s attempts at competing have been, the company has failed to break into the elite mobile OS inner ring. By the time it arrived, users had already bought into the Android and i. OS ecosystems, and developers, who were already building apps for two mobile operating systems, had little desire to add a third, far less lucrative one to their roadmaps. Sure, the many iterations of Windows for phones looked nice enough, and had the backing of Microsoft, but its constant game of catch up with Apple and Google made the phones built for the platforms unappealing. That hasn’t changed, and it’s one of the reasons why, just last month, Android overtook Windows as the most installed OS in the world, according to one estimation. Hopefully, this two- year- long news void in the mobile phone market is the result of Microsoft working like hell to make something new. Microsoft can’t gain a measurable share of the smartphone market (and thus interest from app developers) without first making a product consumers really want to buy, and it can’t do that without wildly wowing us with hardware radically different than what the likes of Apple and Samsung currently provide. As we noted last year, smartphones have become universally so good they’re boring, and they’re also so expensive now, that people are moving away from the two- year purchase cycle. Microsoft not only has to make a great phone, it has to be a disruptive one—and there’s no clear path to such a device apparent in the stable of phones on the market. In other words, Microsoft needs to blow our collective minds. So what would a future Windows phone look like? Ahead of Microsoft’s hardware event last week, we might have hoped for a cloud- based phone, but that dream was shuttered when the long- rumored Windows 1. Cloud was officially named Windows 1. S. Instead of being a window into the cloud computing future, Windows 1. S resembles lightweight Windows variations like Windows RT and Windows 8. Bing. It’s not cloud- based, but rooted in the computer and inextricably linked to Windows’ wasteland of an app Store. And that Store isn’t going to just improve overnight. As already noted, Microsoft needs a robust stable of developers in order to bring in mobile users, but developers want a large user base before they dedicate time and money to a platform. 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Obviously, though, Mayweather and Mc. Gregor had to duke it out with the man who once yelled so loud that he grew several additional six packs. Mayweather vs Goku. Summary: Goku beats down Mayweather but eventually wears himself out. Mayweather taunts every chance he gets while jabbing the crap out of Goku. Mayweather obsessively uppercuts Goku in the back and butt, only to succumb to exhaustion himself. Goku then hoists Mayweather into the air and slams him, leading to a pin. Result: Goku wins by “Spirit Bomb” (a power bomb into a pin) after 1. Mc. Gregor vs Goku. Summary: Mc. Gregor overwhelms Goku early and nearly wins with ground . Mc. Gregor misses a spin kick, as is his way, and looks to be so tired that he can barely stand. Goku starts wailing on him. Then, out of nowhere, Mc. Gregor uncorks a left hand the size of his own ego and Goku eats dirt. Result: Mc. Gregor wins by come- from- behind “holy shit” KO after nine minutes and 3. Overall winner: Mc. Gregor. Mc. Gregor won’t shut up about what would happen if he was duking it out with Mayweather in an MMA fight instead of a boxing match, so I figured we ought to contest this on neutral territory: a street fight. The first rule of street fighting is that there are no rules—which is why fireballs made of spirit energy are allowed—so I decided to toss Mayweather and Mc. Gregor in with multiple characters from Street Fighter. At the same time. Mayweather vs Balrog, Mika, Guile, and Ryu. Summary: Balrog is a goddamn giant, but Mayweather holds his own and forces Balrog to tag in Guile. Mayweather beats down Guile and Ryu at the same time, but then they tag in Mika, who absolutely styles on Floyd with every pro wrestling move in the book. Balrog returns and finishes the job by casually standing on Mayweather—who is basically dead. Result: Street Fighter characters win by pin after nine minutes and 5. Mc. Gregor vs Balrog, Mika, Guile, and Ryu. Summary: Mc. Gregor comes out aggressive and backs up Balrog and Ryu with a series of withering kicks and knees. Guile gives him some trouble, but then Guile tags in Mika, and Mc. Gregor goes into Irish berserker mode against both of them. Mc. Gregor actually lands a spin kick, something that has never happened in real life, but finds himself exhausted afterward. Mika and Ryu knock him out of the ring and grab a steel chair. Unbelievably, Mc. Gregor fends off their dual- pronged strike and even manages to nearly submit Guile. Unfortunately for him, Balrog—who is somehow bigger than the largest man on earth, Nate Diaz—lumbers back into the ring and boxes Mc. Gregor into a pulp. He then pins him the same way he submitted Mayweather, casually smirking all the while. Result: Street Fighter characters win by pin after 1. Overall winner: Mc. Gregor. Didn’t Mayweather vs Mc. Gregor basically already happen in 2. Rocky Balboa, which was bad? Even then, though, Rocky—the scruffy, odds- defying god of underdogs—is impossible to dislike, which makes him a perfect foil for Mayweather and Mc. Gregor. Also, he’s the best- known fictional boxer in existence, so I didn’t really have a choice here. Mayweather vs Rocky Balboa. Summary: Rocky bloodies Mayweather with a single punch, which doesn’t bode well for Mayweather’s chances. Mayweather fights hard, clinching and moving like his training regimen mostly consisted of watching the ballroom scene from Beauty And The Beast repeatedly, but he’s a bloody mess. Eventually, Rocky tires, and Mayweather turns the tide. He starts taunting and landing hard combos. But then the tide turns again, and Rocky begins body slamming Mayweather from the top ropes. Then the tide turns a third time, and Mayweather lays into Rocky, who is so exhausted that light gusts are bowling him over. By this point, however, nearly 2. I realize I should set a time limit for these things, because these guys seem incapable of finishing each other. Result: Draw after 2. Mc. Gregor vs Rocky Balboa. Summary: Despite his aggression, Mc. Gregor gets pieced up on the feet early. He starts using takedowns and clinches to even the odds and ends up bloodying Rocky with ground . Everybody knows you should never bloody Rocky, though, because that makes him more powerful. Rocky pours on the pressure, and Mc. Gregor looks exhausted. Then, out of nowhere, he takes Rocky down and submits him with a rear- naked choke, because Fire Pro Wrestling World has grown sentient and developed a sense of humor about the whole Nate Diaz thing. Result: Mc. Gregor wins by submission after eight minutes and 3. Overall winner: Draw. Basically, it’s the fate of every beloved figure who starts out innocent and pure in the public eye. A decent amount of coverage coming from this week’s Mayweather vs Mc. Gregor promo tour has centered on Mc. Gregor’s racially charged remarks and antics in response to those accusations, and Mayweather’s reputation is far from spotless, so you know, if the shoe fits. He goes to hell for this, where he is immediately elected king. Result: Milkshake Duck wins by submission after nine minutes and 2. Mc. Gregor vs Milkshake Duck. Summary: Milkshake Duck, who is a fucking monstrosity with bowling balls for hands and a beak made out of taco shells, nearly murders Mc. Gregor too, but—because karmic justice is not real, even in video games—we regret to inform you that Mc. Gregor bloodies this symbol of problematic tendencies in the modern era and finishes him with a weird submission called the “banana spread.”Result: Mc. Gregor wins by submission after 1. Overall winner: Nobody. Mayweather and Mc. Gregor are both shitty people who share numerous Milkshake Duck moments between them. Follow Deadspin’s advice and don’t root for either. Fifth Opponent: Multiple Copies Of Themselves. Mayweather vs Mc. Gregor is gonna be a crappy fight, so I couldn’t just have them square off against each other for the main event of this thing. My solution: a clone war. Remember those other Mayweathers and Mc. Gregors I mentioned earlier? The ones who didn’t quite make the cut? I think you get the idea. Team Mayweather vs Team Mc. Gregor. Summary: I cannot do this one justice with a summary, in part because it’s goddamn incredible, and in part because it’s really hard to describe something in which multiple copies of the same people fight each other. There’s one bit where all three Mayweathers grapple a Mc. Gregor at the same time, bend him over, and punch his back in perfect sync. It’s adorable. Then one Mayweather headbutts a Mc. Gregor in the dick. All the while, the biggest Floyd Mayweather won’t stop cartwheeling. I don’t know why he cartwheels. To my knowledge, this is not a thing Floyd Mayweather is known for. Eventually it ends, as all good things do, and my heart breaks. Result: Draw after 2. Overall winner: The judges (me) award a win to Team Mayweather for superior control and better cartwheel form. Final Tally. Mayweather: One win, three losses, one draw. Mc. Gregor: Three wins, one loss, one draw. |